Politics! Winter storms! Terrorism! It's enough to make you turn off the television with a hammer.

Should you decide to do so, may I humbly offer the following test as a bit of an amusement?

Are you a foodie? Do you even know what the term means? Is your kitchen the largest room in your house? Do you buy birthday presents for your blender?

Take the test below to find out if you're a TRUE foodie. Mental health authorities will NOT be automatically notified in the event of a passing score.

THE GREAT FOODIE TEST

Question 1: When making a stir-fry, how hot should your wok be before adding the oil?

A. It should be cold
B. Hot enough to make water dance
C. Glowing red-hot
D. Which wok? The stainless-steel one, the cast-aluminum one or the hand-hammered one I flew to Beijing to personally select?

Question 2: Complete the saying: An apple a day _____.

A. Keeps the doctor away
B. Is one of your daily 8 servings
C. Is high in fiber
D. Can be cored, filled with caviar and shallots, braised in port wine and served as a lovely appetizer

Question 3: Mayonnaise is ____

A. Great on a turkey sandwich
B. The basis for many great dips and dressings
C. Too high in fat for MY diet!
D. An emulsion of oil, eggs, and flavorings that was originally developed in France as a sauce for poached fish

Question 4: If I gave you a pound of scallops, garlic, bread crumbs, cream and a few other ingredients, what would you make?

A. What's a scallop?
B. Scallop chowder
C. Coquilles St. Jacques
D. Nothing! Cooking is an artistic endeavor. I never cook when or what someone ELSE wants me to.

Question 5: What is the most important tool in your kitchen?

A. My collection of takeout menus
B. My food processor
C. My chef's knife
D. My television

Question 6: A bird in the hand ______.

A. Is worth two in the bush
B. Will poop on you
C. Is better than one on the car
D. Should be brined in a garlic citrus solution and served with rice pilaf, steamed seasoned vegetables and a nice pinot grigio.

Question 7: To me, cookbooks are:

A. Decoration
B. Inspiration
C. Bibles, to be followed word-for word
D. Useless! If you know about what's going on with the physical structure of the foods as they undergo thermal and chemical changes, you don't need someone else's recipes!

Question 8: When storing leftovers, I always:

A. Make sure the pizza box is closed tightly
B. Use the right size lid for the Tupperware container
C. Write the time, date and name of dish in permanent marker on the bag
D. Start the bidding among my co-workers at $10.

Question 9: Turtle meat tastes like:

A. Chicken
B. Chicken
C. Chicken
D. Chicken

Question 10: If I could learn to cook just ONE item, it would be:

A. A fried peanut butter sandwich
B. Meat loaf
C. Lasagna
D. Twinkies

The Foodie answer to each question was, of course, D. If you got more than half of them, congratulations! You're well on your way to the Foodie life. If you got less, you obviously haven't watched this sort of segment on Letterman very often.

Special thanks go out to the Good Eats Fan Page gang for their help and advice with the questions. A finer bunch of Foodies there's never been.

Got a comment? Question? Recipe to share? Drop me a line anytime!

• Aug. 27, 2004: Leftover Surprise!
• Aug. 20, 2004: The True Greats
• Aug. 13, 2004: Introduction To Greek Food
• Aug. 6, 2004: Books For Cooks
• July 30, 2004: After Further Review
• July 23, 2004: Hot! Hot! Hot!
• July 16, 2004: Hot Off The Griddle!
• June 25, 2004:Let's Talk Tipping
• June 11, 2004: When A Foodie Meets A Foodie
• June 4, 2004: The Great Tool Swap